The allure of monks.

One DVD, one CD, and two memory cards' worth of pictures later - I'm on the plane going home. Returning to life. Parts of me look forward to it. Other parts of me dread the very regularity and predictability of normal life that I simultaneously miss. My last week in China was taken up by Xiahe and Whitney. I learned a few things.

1) I need to learn Tibetan 2) I find both Tibetan and Mongolian men extraordinarily attractive 3) I don't like Tibetan food but 4) I do like Tibetan monks.

There's something about a man who has a higher calling in life than the pursuit of booty and/or money. We picknicked with 2 Tibetan monks, 1 Mongolian monk, and the Mongolian monk's sister by Dar Zhang Tso lake near Xiahe. It all happened rather casually. Whitney and I forgot to pack lunch and were trying to ask the Tibetan ticket taker where we could buy food. The Mongolian girl heard us and brought us over to their picnic site near the bushes, and there we hung out with her and the monks. Despite the tourist trappings of everything China, the chats with the 3 Labrang monks and the Mongolian princess were some of the coolest experiences I've had in China. Punctuated of course by my attraction to the Mongol monk. They asked about 9/11, I asked about their opinions on the Chinese government. They fed us, and we threw prayer papers with them, adding to the paper litter around the lake. The wind blowing the papers around are supposed to represent opportunity coming to you without your having to do anything. Harup, Noro, Buke, and Jia Tai were their names. Most of all, the encounter showed me that monks (or lamas as they're called) are still normal boys. They like their cell phones and mp3 players. They play soccer, they beat each other up, and they make fun of each other. And they feed 2 exhausted American girls who had passed out by the lake after the hike up, oblivious to the tufts of animal fur around them, the grazing cows, or their personal safety. And we'd hitchhiked to get there.

Xiahe - Throwing prayers.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

I'm ending this trip with 4 bathroom trips within a 1 hour span this morning in the hotel to puke, throwing up twice in the airplane bathroom, starving myself of food so I don't puke again, and carefully sipping on apple juice in an attempt to get some caloric content into me. I'm looking forward to home, if only because it means close proximity and immediate accessibility to a bathroom. My window seat in the airplane mocks me. Most memorable portions of my trip:

motorcycle riding in Yangshuo
boat ride/hike along the Li River
trekking with Marc in Xishuangbanna
RCEF
picnicking with monks at Xiahe

So my 2 months in China sums up roughly to that. I've learned not to follow boys or assume they know more than I do, as both times I've felt like my life was endangered was 1) in the ravine with Marc and 2) walking along the shoulder of Chinese highways in the dark with Jiang Yue in our search for Yinjialing village. Both times, it involved going against my better judgement and trusting a boys' "better" judgement. I think my language capability has improved and it's inspired in me a desire to come back and study Chinese for a year. But not a desire to travel in China again. To live here is okay. Preferably in rural western China. I'm surprisingly devoid of reflection on my return trip, but that may be because I'm concentrating so hard on suppressing my nausea. I'm ready to go home and have dreamt about my new Thinkpad waiting for me.

A brief review of the contents of my daypack and journal back pocket has revealed a plethora of business cards and email addresses from people I no longer remember meeting, a lot of boarding passes, and lists of important numbers.

As I start a new school year, here are a list of things I vow to do this year in an attempt to be a better person and keep a hold of the sense of identity I get when I'm travelling. For my improved mental health next year:

1) relearn guitar
2) dance again at Koresh
3) take still life art classes
4) bike to Dana's more often to see her and Tom
5) see more of Ken and Josh, if possible (difficult since I think Josh is somewhere in Turkey right now)
6) APAMSA mentoring for Chinatown kids. I have a weak spot for kids, even when they're being terribly horribly bad and making me tear my hair out.

These things are important to me, and for reasons known or unknown to me - they tend to balance me out and be good influences. Largely because I feel complete and whole when I'm doing those things or hanging out with those people. Must make concerted efforts to keep better grip on remains of self despite the overwhelming influence of med school. And with that - zai jian!

Xiahe - Walled village woman returning from fields.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Back in Beijing.

Beijing - Checkmate.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

I go home tomorrow and I'm so ready. I'm a bit sick from Xiahe. Not sure if it was the constant winding mountain roads, the yak momo dumplings, or just some stomach bug, but my body definitely is NOT liking China right now. I'm back in Beijing at Far East Hostel with Whitney. Tomorrow awaits the following tasks:

get left luggage
buy duffel bag for souvenirs
buy chess set for Jon
go home

At home await the following tasks:

find roommate in Philly
laptop transfer
buy furniture
move in (again)
write grant report for Gold Foundation
buy textbooks
organize pictures

Will report on Xiahe later. A bit too tired at the moment to really form coherent thoughts.

Xiahe - Tibetans at market.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Lanzhou, China.

Though I don't feel like I've been losing weight - the official verdict of definitive weight loss came today when I checked into the overly expensive (but only clean hotel in the entire city) Hualian Bing Guan single room with fan (for a whopping 98 RMB - more than I've ever paid). I was naked for more than a few brief seconds for the first time in weeks, largely because this is the first privacy I've had in a while. I glanced at myself in the mirror and groaned. I'd undone all that puberty had given me.

Chinese television has a lot of war movies and movies set in the past. It's like they don't like acknowledging the present. They do definitely acknowledge the future as Beijing 2008 is on 3/4 of the channels all the time. I think half the country is still in surprised shock that they got it, but it's a point of pride. Like world acknowledgement. A nod of respect thowards China. The Chinese are very conscious of their place on the world stage. The question I get asked the most is if I find China very hard to adjust to coming from America. It's usually followed by an embarassed laugh an apologetic statement along the lines of "We're a little backwards still" or "We're still behind and old-fashioned." Based on my sampling of conversations with cab drivers and hotel cleaning staff, China's very much aware of its catching-up status with respect to the other countries. "We're not developing fast enough" is another statement I hear a lot, along with "We got started late," accompanied by a sigh and a shake of the head. But they are so proud of Beijing 2008.

Oddly enough, the other question I get asked a lot concerns guns. "Is it true that anyone in the U.S. can own a gun?" They're always amazed at that.

Lanzhou is very different from everywhere else I've been in China. It's a very dry land with a large Chinese Muslim minority (called hui zhu). You can visibly see the minorities on the street based on style of dress and facial hair. It's interesting and I wish I'd talked to more people but the young boy at the Muslim restaurant I ate at was too shy to respond to my questions.

China in general is inconvenient to travel in because no establishments are setup to take credit cards and very few banks take foreign ATM cards. Every day is a challenge in that sense. I've paid for all my internal flights with cash and have spent many RMB on cab rides to the one ATM in town that will take my foreign card. Part of it is that western China is simply less developed.

Lanzhou - Muslims
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

China fee, China fi, China fo fum.

I've pinpointed what it is about China that I don't like. The travelling industry. Yinjialing village really saved China for me. It gave me another perspective on the people that didn't include badgering me for my money. Travelling in China means having to fight all the time. Fight for a good price, fight to be left alone, fight for spring water - not dusty spring water that's a year past the expiration date. Doing anything in China means being annoyed or harassed at least 60-70% of the time. D. summed it up well when she said that she likes living in China, but not travelling in it. I think I'd agree with that sentiment though she's much more qualified to utter it considering that she's been living here for a year. China's hard to get to in the sense that there seems to be a glass floor between you and the community, presented in the form of a renovated Great Wall and a shiny new facade for the Forbidden City. Interestingly, the only people you'll find at the unrenovated portions of the Great Wall are Westerners, whereas China's own local tourists throng Badaling - the renovated section complete with cable car. So the question is - do the Chinese not see beauty in the crumbling oldness of the ruined wall? The answer is no. What they see instead is a past they're trying to leave behind and forget as China opens its borders and begins to modernize. They see no purpose to the ruined sections. They want to look forward to the new "renovated" China. I don't think this is a perspective I could've had until now.

And the government doesn't represent the people. I think it's too easy to measure China by U.S. standards and see how far it falls short. I hear it all the time in hostel lounges. But it's easy to forget that China is in a lot of ways still a developing country. Yes, discrimination against minorities is rampant and absolutely wrong. Yes, the rich here are very rich and treat the poor in awful ways. But what surprises me is the fact that travelers here are so surprised by all this that the trendy thing to do is to complain about it constantly. What country doesn't have discrimination against their minority groups? What developing countries don't have a disparity and conflict between the classes. South Africa's wealth gap is so large that the rich feel the need to ring their homes with high walls studded with broken glass, topped with barbed wire, plus attack dogs inside - and yet no one is surprised by it there. Maybe because it's expected in a country like South Africa whose problems have been so visible to the world for so long. Whereas China hides behind a veneer of "face" and wants to be treated like a developed country though it's not. Then again, who -doesn't- want to be treated like a developed country. I hate it when I argue myself into circles.

The problem with China is that it wants to deny its problems so it hides them from foreigners, separating them from the local Chinese in hostels. It's one of the few countries I know that treats its own people with discrimination (a Chinese national calling a hotel will be told it's full, but they'll have space for an American). Part of it is wanting to show the "good" China to outsiders and part of it is simply the government sucking. The ex-pat community here is even worse. What I find the most interesting contradiction about China is that the most critical individuals I've met on the road are the ones who've stayed in China the longest (at least a year). Arguably, they've seen more of the bad parts of China, but yet they've still somehow managed to do it a) without learning to speak a word of Chinese or b) without learning anything about the community and culture. Its interesting especially because its so different from every other country I've been to where the travellers make it a point to learn about the communities. D says the problem lies in the recruiting for English teachers. China doesn't care about prior teaching experience - only if you're a native English speaker. D., as an English teacher herself, says its a shame that so many lowbrows are let in because not only are they poor PR for the country when they complain without keeping an open mind, but also an injustice to the students who pay for these English lessons. Also, a lot of them become part of the ex-pat community which has its own exclusive neighborhoods where Chinese aren't allowed, Chinese isn't spoken, and where the local culture and flavor is often a topic of disdain. What compounds it is a natural Chinese inclination to put foreigners on a pedestal to begin with.

So, I suppose the question is - what do I want to happen? I want people coming here to come with an open mind and try to understand the why's of the situation. I want people to keep in mind that China is still a developing country despite all its assertions that it's developed (like a teenager insisting she's all grownup). I want people to hate the government, not the people, and see that the government and the people are two separate things. I want people to see that I'm trying to make valid points, instead of only seeing my skin color and assuming that I'm defensive about my own "country" that's filled with people I share a language with but don't necessarily feel I identify with since they come from completely different places than me or my parents.

The hardest thing about travelling in Asia has been the thing I usually like the most - the other travellers I meet. Even in Thailand - it was all about the gross old white men with Thai wives. What is it about Asia that only allows foreigners to see the differences and not the similarities? That the Thai also have families and children they want the best for. That Thai women don't have a lot of choices (who would choose to marry a gross old white guy who can't even speak your language?).

The most interesting thing about travelling as a "hua ren" (Chinese born in America) is how much more willing the Chinese are to talk about the problems here. As a white person, the local Chinese are more likely to put on a smile and talk about how things here are okay - saving face. As a Hua Ren, they usually pat my knee and talk about how we're all Chinese here despite our birth place. And how they're proud that so many of China's seedlings have fallen so far from the tree and still managed to grow. And then they give their honest opinions about Mao, about the Cultural Revolution, about modernization. Most interesting was an account from a service person at Far East Hostel in Beijing. He spoke very nostalgically of the Communist era. I was astounded. Wasn't everyone poor? Yes, he said. But we were all poor together. Now, only some people are poor, and the rest laugh at them.

Beijing - Temple of Heaven
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

YinJiaLin, Shandong

Monday, July 24, 2006
The village (nong cun) has been simultaneously a relief and a disappointment. Internet access, proper beds (well, proper Chinese beds, which means planks, a thin mattress pad, and bamboo), and showers anytime I want as long as I heat up the water with this little machine that sings to notify me that the hot water is ready. We also have a passive aggressive teammate with an inferiority complex about not having ever studied abroad.

Goats alongside the village road!
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I'm a little surprised that when I first got here, I had exactly 3 numbers in the cell phone my uncle got me. My uncle, my friend Ed in Shanghai, and this random boy I met in Yangshuo who forced his number upon me. Now, after Red Guard training, I have 15 numbers. I never thought I'd be txtmsg'ing at 2 AM to other RCEF volunteers asking how they are. So how am I doing? Outside of the nightly meetings, which are really little more than public lashings, I think I'm doing okay. The kids seem to like me despite the language barrier and I thought things went smoothly outside of normal first day ripples like shyness and some lack of participation. It's strange to be held to a different set of standards than the ones I'm used to meeting. There's no A for Effort in China. We have a regular peanut gallery here that gathers every night. A peanut gallery that has had very little personal teaching experience of their own. Some of it is so ludicrous that I have to make an effort to not giggle in the middle.

Which one of these is used to do the dishes?
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Thursday, July 27, 2006
I'm surprised at how accustomed I've become to things. Bugs were dropping out of the air onto the table during dinner today, and I simply picked them out of my rice. I similarly flicked them off my notebook when they fell out of the sky while I was lesson planning. I'm generally tired and worn out, but steadily gaining an appreciation for how hard teachers have to work on a daily basis to lesson plan and teach.

Today's first aid class was a lesson for both of us. I taught them the Western way of dealing with cuts, burns, choking, and unconscious victims who have vomited. When first posing scenarios to them - I expected no one to know how to react. Instead, they all clamored to be called on. These were some of the answers I got.

In case of burns: Pour soy sauce on it. High quality expensive soy sauce. Then you put "medicine water" on it. When I asked what was in medicine water, they stared at me and said matter of factly - medicine. Like duh.

In case of unconscious victim with vomit: Press your thumb into the victim's philtrum. This is a pressure point that will help them regain consciousness. Place them on their back and pump their knees up towards their chest. This will help push blood flow back to their heart.

Most of the class nodded emphatically in agreement with all of these and I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell them they were wrong or say that the American way is the "right and only" way, because I didn't know that. I did feel instantly very un-Chinese and very American in a very intrusive sort of way.

Class - kids.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Friday, July 28, 2006
The Wall of Fame was supposed to be a place for kids to compliment each other. Instead, it became a huge love letter to the teachers, thanking us (multiple times) for teaching. There's very much a teacher-worshipping culture here that's offset by a lack of teamwork among themselves. This came out especially during the relay races when they'd yell at other teams for cheating, at each other for being too slow, and at me if they felt I wasn't referee'ing enough. Some kids wouldn't even play, saying instead "Wo bu hui", which means literally "I can't" as in the way handicapped people can't do certain things, not "I don't know how to." The families themselves have been very nice and welcoming. Everytime D. and I go out for popsicles, someone invites us into their home for watermelon. I've eaten two whole watermelon in the past 2 days, leaving my stomach bloated. I don't think my ploy to lose weight here is working. Last night, we ran into one of our students on the street. We sat on stools with him, his mom, and a few neighbors, burning a type of brush that repels mosquitoes (and smells like pot) and chatting in the twilight. It was nice.

Chilling with the locals.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Saturday, July 29, 2006
The weekend. Glorious glorious weekend. 2 days too short. Monday starts the last week of teaching. We got more Jinan University students. One of them is pretty attractive, but I can't tell whether this is by U.S. standards or by "I've been too long in China" standards. Med school seems further and further away, as does my life in the States. The bathroom is still a source of nightly terror due to the gigantic spider that comes out at night.

I'm settling into the school and getting to know the kids more personally. Times like this make me really love teaching - when you can see the impact you have on the kids, when you see behavioral changes in unruly kids who then settle down because you're the one who's teaching, when the kids come to school on the weekends to hang out and play frisbee with the teachers and eat popsicles together. It's great.

Impromptu ballet classes in China.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006
A few bombshells. 1) my roommate is moving out, giving me a grand total of 2 weeks to find a new roommate after I get back. 2) I'm teaching sex ed tomorrow. As the Health Ed teacher, I had to ask for male volunteers to teach the boys, and then instruct the volunteer on a few points I think are important to cover. Or, the points I imagine are important to cover since I don't really know what happens in a guys' sex ed class. The biggest challenge though, wasn't determination of content, but communication of that content to the volunteer teacher. I had to look up words like "erection", "testicle", and "pubic hair" in my Chinese-English dictionary ahead of time (and surprisingly, they're listed) and then stumble through the teacher discussion, mispronouncing most pertinent terms and having to resort to explanations or in worst case scenarios, charades, to convey my meaning. I keep telling myself I'm going to be a doctor and I shouldn't be embarassed by this, but I am. Horribly so.

Clinic - waiting room.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006
So I'm quickly running out of Care Bear band-aids. I hadn't planned on having to use so many for the kids and had only brought 10 for blisters, thinking I was really playing it safe considering that I only brought comfy shoes. Every day, someone falls on the playground, and as the medical student - people look to me to bandage the wounds. I've handled more cryingkids than ever, and kissed more boo-boo's than is hygienically healthy considering the infrequent washing and lack of toothbrushing that goes on here. The kids are pretty knowledgeable about their own hygiene and what they're supposed to be doing - but a disconnect lies between knowing and action. They simply don't have a habit of brushing their teeth, nor do their parents, so it's not reinforced in any way. The state of their teeth makes me shudder so I've taken to asking the kids every morning if they've brushed in an effort to pester them into doing it.

I'm glad to say the Sex Ed class was a huge success. The girls weren't shy at all, they asked questions, giggled, and were overall curious. You could tell it was something that'd been on their minds for a little while. Mental note: need to be more specific next time and draw clearer diagrams. i.e. Bleed from where? The vagina. I spent all morning drawing really bad renditions of uteruses. We even ventured into sex since someone asked why we need men to have babies. I'm pretty proud of the girls. They handled it really well. I even had the opportunity to visit the village clinic today - where I found out that shots and an IV are started for everything (including colds) and penicillin is entirely overprescribed. When I asked why they drip everything in through an IV, they said that it's faster-acting that way. I couldn't explain why the West uses oral meds as a first line of defense besides saying lamely that it's less invasive. Being here makes me appreciate things in America that I take for granted. Like the education system, the democratic system, and the sanitation system.

I'm currently wearing a wristband of death. I taught the kids how to make friendship bracelets yesterday and that's all they've been doing. I received a stone bracelet from the class punk Zhu Xi Ning as a sign of friendship, and a red yarn bracelet from Xue Yin - which she made slightly too short but was determined to tie on my wrist nonetheless. It's slowly cutting off the circulation in my wrist but I can't take it off. Literally. It won't come undone.

After class - a bracelet from my favorite troublemaker.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Thursday, August 3, 2006
Next to last day. Feeling a bit conflicted. Am glad to be free of obligation and can travel on the road with no other duty but to please myself. Am glad to be able to have personal space and my own internet time. But sad to be leaving such a dynamic group of people and such a great set of kids. YinJiaLing is unique in the sense that lots of NGO's pass through the community school. Right now there's RCEF, Duke's DreamCorps, Jinan University's SVRS, and a Malaysian NGO. It's an interesting meeting of minds since there's no more than 3 reps per group. The community school is also a bastion of revolution. The head of the school is very pro-democracy and a few years ago, succeeded in getting democratic elections instated in the village. The school also provides law classes so the villagers know their rights and put on a mock court so if they're ever arrested - they'll know what all these people do. The head of the school was a music major in undergrad, but he changed to education afterwards because though he loves music - music won't save the country. Education can. Either he'll become a hero, or go down in flames - shot as a revolutionary. There's really only two options for people who burn with that kind of passion. Part of me wants to come back every year so I can see how the kids are growing, how they turn out, who they get married to.

The younger kids.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Friday, August 4, 2006
*Looks like my train ride to Lanzhou will not work out after all. I'm slightly disappointed as I was looking forward to travelling by train.

*My clothes somehow smell worse after I washed them than before. Doesn't speak well for the water.

*I've run out of bug spray. Not that it matters as I've gotten used to picking bugs out of my food and beer.

*I love green bean popsicles.

*I've ordered a new laptop online. Thinkpad! Excited to get it. May make my Dell laptop a backup laptop or give it to my parents.

*Today's last day of class was exhausting. We put on a performance. Will miss the kids though. Especially Yang Guo Zhun, who D. and I call Student Council President, because that's who he would've been in the States if he wasn't living in a rural Chinese village.

Playtime - kids.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

I must've mistakenly signed up for the Red Guard when I registered to teach health education to rural village kids.

Friday, July 14, 2006
I'm sleeping beside a veritable mosquitoe graveyard on the wall. I smashed every last one of them with my Let's Go guide. So handy in so many ways. Bug guts don't stick to it. I knew the actual volunteer site would be primitive, but it never occurred to me that the training site would be also. We have long days - 7 AM to 11 PM. When am I going to wash my dirty underwear?

Our dorms during training.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Sunday, July 16, 2006
Today, I was called a "nonwoman". This is in reference to the fact that I don't own a brush, I don't care which direction I'm facing when I use the squat toilet (towards or away from the hump) as long as the necessary stuff gets to where it needs to be, and because I'm "wai xiang", meaning "facing outwards" literally - "outgoing" figuratively. It's funny the expectations Chinese women place on each other. They're like little Martha Stewarts, en masse. One girl in my Arts teaching group wanted to introduce fashion to the class, where we encourage the kids to "look neat", encourage the boys to cut their hair (or at least comb it), and the girls to not wear clashing colors. The teachers who've had Western exposure veto'ed the idea with the argument that you can't impose your own visions of beauty onto other people. Besides, I secretly like the wild look that some kids have. The little girl with the neat plaits was never my type. Maybe because my own hair was never neat as a kid, and my part was never straight and I always wished the grown-ups could like me despite it. One can't help what their hair chooses to do.

It's hard not to feel a little hurt by assertions that I'm not a girl - even if the remark was made innocently with lack of cultural understanding. At least now I understand more of the culture my mother comes from and can stop taking things so personally. It's odd, because I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not at all masculine and that people can tell right off that I'm a girl, and I'd like to think that I'm secure in my femininity. I think it comes down to attitude more than anything else. My roommate mentioned that she thought Rachel - the other American girl here (blonde, curvy, nose-ring), is also "not very like a woman", but the quieter American girl is (soft-spoken, no earrings at all). It's funny how things like being different from the other kids at camp can still be a little weird even at the age of 25. The Chinese are generally very blunt in their criticisms, and American culture tends to sugarcoat things. I guess not meeting expectations - whether they're parental ones, cultural ones, or your own - is a little tough no matter where you are. I'm not really willing to change a lot of the things that make me "unwomanly" in China's eyes, and most of me thinks that I'm quite alright on my own. But it'd just be nice once in a while to have some reinforcement that it's okay.

Rachel teaching botany.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
1.5 rolls of toilet paper later, I've somehow gotten used to the mass group showers with other little Chinese girls, sleeping on wooden planks, and the ever pervasive smell of feces - thanks to the pig farm next door. What I haven't gotten used to are the intermittent sharp pains in my belly, or the man hands I've grown due to handwashing my clothes. I can see little communities forming when the girls bring their clothes out to wash. I too, squat with them (because there really is no other way to get the laundry done), soak my clothes, and chat up the woman next to me.

New Buffalo has been in my head on and off for the past few days. I woke up to "It'll be alright" playing in my head this morning, and had "Inside" going all evening. Of course - customary to my usual practices, I play the song that's in my head on my ipod. So NB's been getting a lot of playtime.

The washing machine and toothbrushing sink.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 - The Peaches of Death.
It's been a rough morning. This is day #3 of tummy troubles. How did I make it through a full month of travelling in China and eating street food, but not be able to hack if here at training camp for teachers? Admittedly, it's been a little more than I bargained for. Between the red armbands (wore on the left arm) and the morning exercises in which we're criticized for the angle of foot outturn and that we run like sheep set loose, I wonder if I mistakenly signed up for the Red Guard. The funny thing is that no one here complains. The Chinese just aren't complainers. I don't know if it's the influence of Eastern religions or the result of decades of Communism.

Peaches of death.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

I woke up this morning to singing in the room. The girls were singing Chinese songs while getting ready for our invigorating 7 AM morning exercises. I spent the morning exercise time invigorating my bowels in the bathroom, and then being reprimanded for missing the exercises.

Gender roles are much more prominent here than they are in the States. They've been surprisingly enjoyable. The boys here don't grumble about being nice to girls. They always offer their seat, or at the least get up to retrieve another chair for you. And they have no trouble standing guard outside the bathroom whiel you shower on the boy's side because the girl's side is full. And I didn't even have to put out for any of this. They never sneak into the girl's courtyard to catch a glimpse of our knickers on the line, but instead wait by the gate and ask a girl going in if they can see if so-and-so is around. It's sort of nice being respected. These gentlemen. And they always listen to what I have to say, consider it, and respond. And no flippant responses either. Though I have some issues with the sanitation system here (and the sanitary practices of the people), I'm beginning to have some grudging admiration for the social structure. Am I turning to the dark side? It's funny to see the boys when a girl talks to them. A silly smile broadens on their face and they look a little fatuous.

About the lack of self expresssion here. When I first found the training site after being yelled at by the cabbie and getting lost twice, I registered/signed in and was given a red scarf. We were to wear them on our left arms. I took it and absent-mindedly tied it onto my belt loop. There were frantic shakes of the head from the girls and they firmly tied it on my left arm. I've since stopped wearing it (though it's required). Not because I'm a rebel of any sort or because I'm trying to prove a point, but simply because I lost it about 2 days into training. It's buried somewhere in my bed. Everyone's bed is neat and made every morning except mine. They funny thing is - everyone else never fails to wear their armband. And it doesn't even occur to them to wear it anywhere else but the left arm. No one tied it onto their bags, or around their hair. Can you really say that self expression here is suppressed if no one wants to really wear it anywhere else? When I asked about it, they looked at me in surprise. "Why would I care about something small like where to wear a scarf? This is small beans." I could hear the undertones - I'm here to teach. Not to be a fashion statement. That put me in my place. In the States, self expression is tied to image and fashion. In China, self expression is tied to other things - but definitely not image. You can tell they don't give a crap about image based on some of the huge fashion no-no's I've seen on the subway. Old fat men wearing wifebeaters, jeans, and a belt with the playboy logo on it. If you ask them what that symbol is, they look surprised and say "a rabbit." If you ask why they're wearing a rabbit, they shrug and say "I needed a belt and this was cheap." Or simply, "I liked the rabbit." Tablecloths at restaurants have Mickey Mouse print on it or other cartoon characters because that's what's on sale at the store. People wear gay pride shirts not because they're gay, but because the colors are bright. And even if you told them the implications of a gay pride shirt, they'd probably shrug and wear it anyways. Why waste a good shirt? Fashion and appearance just aren't on their list of priorities. So why wear it anywhere else but your left arm? It causes trouble - and they just don't care enough about it to bother bucking authority on it.

Okay, it's time to get off the can.

Diane wearing her red scarf faithfully.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Thursday, July 20, 2006
I smell like a Boy Scout. Off Deep Woods Unscented. Ironically enough, it smells pretty damn fresh and good. There's been a dearth of free time here, and what little free time is given, I tend to use on doing laundry and frantic trips to the communal bathroom. It's driven me to play hooky so I can have some time to myself in the room I share with 8 other girls. They're participating in some structured social time right now. It makes me feel strangely Smeagol-like. Everyone here gets such joy out of group activities, and I sneak off to be by myself while they do ice breakers and get to know each other. Being a Westerner, I guess I'm used to a certain allotted amount of personal time. What does it say about us as a society when we recharge ourselves by isolation in our own rooms as opposed to being in a group? I was talking to my friend Paddy about this since he's spent a year as a Chinese international student in the UK. He says that it was odd for him to come back to Chinese living, but that people here don't get much personal space - so they don't miss it. They share everything - showers, bathrooms, dorm rooms, meals. There's no walls here. He says the pro side of Western personal space is that it promotes individuality. The con side is that it emphasizes "me" in front of "society". So the typical Westerner thinks first about what is best for him/her whereas the average rural Chinese thinks about what is best for society since his/her entire life is spent sharing space with the society. How Communist. But I suppose it explains the lack of complaint culture here and the proliferation of our American litigious society.

I've inhaled more bug spray than I can care to think about right now. I fear it's only a matter of time before I become the poster child for the correlation between DEET and lung cancer. The good news is that my stomach has recovered. The bad news is that I still haven't accustomed myself to voiding my bowels as a group activity.

Goats crossing street near training location.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Friday, July 21, 2006
I've come to the conclusion that I never would've made it in a Communist country. Largely because I don't like sharing. As someone who needs a large amount of alone time, even by U.S. standards, I would've undoubtedly been shot and killed as a maverick. Part of me can't believe I gave up a portion of my vacation to listen to more lectures, but this time in another language besides medical terminology that I still can't understand. Hours upon hours of lectures. This morning's exercises were particularly militant. 1-2-1. 1-2-1. Arms swing! We sang the same songs that I still don't know the words to because I can't read Chinese. What I do love are how open the boys are. We learned some dancing today. Whereas American boys would've stood there embarassed and refused to partake, the Chinese boys tried their best and even asked serious questions about how to perform the steps correctly. I loved it. It really makes a difference in the morning when you can giggle your way through it. The best is that I have it all on tape so when I'm feeling down in med school - I can play it to myself and smile. They all try so enthusiastically and are concentrating so hard, it's completely adorable.

Morning exercises - boys dancing.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Sunday, July 23, 2006
I dispatch to my rural village site tomorrow morning, along with Diana - another ABC who I absolutely love, and J.Y. - a Chinese guy working in Canada for one of their newspapers. J.Y. has developed this look of long-suffering every time I speak to him. Diana and I can't help but cling to him like limp puppets because our Chinese isn't super great. I can deliver a lesson in Health Ed pretty well because I can prepare it before hand and look up all the words in the dictionary, but we have a harder time when students ask questions or have discussion points that we don't understand. He has to translate for both of us on a pseudo-regular basis. I bet he's wondering how he got stuck with both the "wai guo ren" (the foreigners). However, he wears the look of long-suffering too familiarly. I strongly suspect a bossy older sister, a past full of angry girlfriends, or a frequently angry mother.

Based on all reports, we'll have to sleep at the school while we're there. On bed pads placed on top of the kids' desks. I'm not sure where we'll shower or eat. The school has a small run down theatre though, so we're planning to put on a festival-type of thing, with an art gallery full of the arts and crafts projects and performances put on by the kids. The Health Ed group wrote a "Brush your teeth" song and I choreographed a tooth-brushing dance to go with it. I'm excited to meet the kids and teach them to do it. Kids love dancing, and they look so adorable when they do it. The parents in the audience usually love it even more. I spent 58 RMB on a set of speakers for my ipod just so I can play some background music while they work on their art projects.

Being in Beijing for the night is like heaven compared to the training site. I've gorged myself on the internet, eaten a Big Mac, had 2 popsicles, and fully intend on getting a foot massage. And, as I pulled down my pants to lower myself onto a Western toilet this afternoon, all I could think of was - Ah, this is such luxury.

Training - Breakfast.
Originally uploaded by susiederkins.

Thailand - where the ice cream is still 25 cents.

I'm leaving Thailand in about 6 hours. Marc and I split up yesterday and I puttered around Chiang Mai on my own. Travelling with people is great, but travelling alone has its own brand of magic as well. More things happen. Like the Thai boy with a spiral tattoo on his chin who was riding a bike and wheeling a second one beside him. He pulled up as I was walking on the sidewalk and asked if I wanted to go for a ride.

I asked "To where?' He said "Around" I said "Why?" He said "Dunno. Exercise?"

So I got on the bike and followed him around the city. It was nice in a hot, sweaty, but spontaneous sort of way. It occurred to me that he might be leading me to a place where he might sell me into slavery, so I kept an eye out for any suspicious locations he may be taking me to. Instead, we pulled into this plaza that had all these temples and monks, and we rested in the shade and chatted a bit. He used to go to school, but now he's been "on holiday for 3 years." He wanted to ride more, but I decided it was time for me to walk home. It's funny. I use the word "home" pretty indiscriminately. It's wherever I'm laying my head down to rest for the night.

Part of me is dreading going back to China, land of squat toilets and hard beds. But part of me is looking forward to it. Thailand was a vacation from my vacation, as Marc liked to put it. I could do my business in the morning on the toilet without having to worry about my quadriceps giving out. And I had hot water for a shower. And unlimited access to the internet (China blocks gmail). But every restaurant has more white people than Thai people, and there's families with strollers going around. Most dangerously - this place lures me to supermalls with movie theatres. China will be nice to go back to. Uncomfortable, but nice. And I can talk to people there.

I've also decided that I'm not a huge fan of countries where I can't communicate with the people. I can't speak Thai, and even ordering off a menu makes me feel like an idiot. Sure, I point like the rest of the foreigners do, but it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I can't ask the questions I want (like "Did you have to go to massage school before becoming a masseuse? How long was it? Were you afraid at the beginning because of all the men who come in? Do you like being a masseuse? Do you have any children? Do they have to pay to go to school here? Do you want your daughter to become a masseuse also? Why did you move to the city?"), and I somehow feel like I'm losing out on the experience. This limits my future travel to Spanish-speaking and English-speaking countries (and China). Luckily, all of South American speaks Spanish. Perhaps I can learn some Portugese also so I can go to Brazil and Mozambique.

I start my volunteer program on Friday. I get the feeling it will be really rough. We have morning exercises every day at 7 AM. Wonderfully communist. Especially since I'm not a morning person and I hate exercising. Considering that even middle class Chinese poo in trenches where you can see other people's poo floating by, I'm thinking that the rural village I'll be at won't be much better. I'm stocking up on toilet paper.